Loss
by annem57
Summary: Feeling a bit dark today, so this is a bit dark as well.


**Loss**

**This is a dark one. I get episodes that speak to me. Post 2.15. rated M or T (dunno how this works!) **

**Warning: Character death**

**R&I aren't mine.**

* * *

Jane Rizzoli stood outside her motel room in Vermont, breathing in the cool, sharp air. As she inhaled, she caught the differing scents of pine and maple, and was quietly amazed at the beauty around her. She looked north towards the Green Mountains and drew in another breath. She brushed away the tears that had gathered, and started out on her daily walk, for it was in these awesome surroundings that Jane was attempting to find some small measure of peace.

To understand why Jane was in Vermont and not in Boston, you need to go back some months, back to a burned-out warehouse and the destruction of a friendship.

###

The force of the words that came out of Maura Isles' mouth just about blew Jane away, but it was the cold fury behind the delivery of those words that drove their way into Jane's heart.

"At least I don't play judge and jury and kill people."

The fact that Maura hadn't yelled or screamed did nothing to reduce the impact of the words. Certainly, if she had been shouting, Jane could have handled the volume, and dealt with the content later, but it was the quiet, icy anger behind the words that pushed the words deep into Jane's soul and psyche.

Maura then spent the next three weeks ignoring Jane while waiting for her mother and her sperm donor father to recover from their respective injuries. Once Paddy Doyle had recovered enough, he was shuttled off to a federal penitentiary so that he could relax in a hospital bed under federal supervision. When Constance Isles had recovered, though, Maura had taken a leave of absence to oversee the balance of her mother's convalescence, first in New York, then in the south of France.

During this period of time, Jane was becoming more and more withdrawn. She still did her job, and did it exceptionally well, but she stopped hanging out with Korsak and Frost in the evenings. She tapered off her visits with her mother and Tommy, and saw Frankie infrequently. She refused all of Gabriel Dean's overtures, and when he tried to push the issue, she stopped him cold by telling him that he had ruined the most important thing in her life, and that he should get back on his white horse and ride off into the sunset without looking back.

Through all of that, though, she made a point of encouraging Frost, Korsak, and Frankie to maintain a good relationship with the Chief ME, and suggested to Frankie that he do the same with their mother and Tommy. Even though Jane knew that Maura would probably never talk to her again, she did not want the ME to ever be lonely. She also sent Maura an email every few days, apologising for what she had done, and filling her in on the happenings in Boston. Jane didn't know if Maura bothered to read the messages, but she didn't let that deter her from trying to rebuild that which she had destroyed.

One thing that Jane Rizzoli was very good at was assuming responsibility, and she had accepted that it was completely her fault that Maura hated her. So, after work, Jane would go home, sit in her lonely apartment, and try to find a way forward.

Then Maura came back from her leave of absence, and Jane thought that maybe Maura might be ready to at least talk.

She was devastated to find out how wrong she was, and how good Maura had become at holding a grudge.

A few days earlier, Jane had seen Maura at a crime scene, and she had hung back, simply drinking in how the ME looked, runway perfect as always, while Korsak took point. After the body had been removed, and Jane and the guys had done their gumshoe thing, Jane volunteered to go to the morgue to see how things were going.

To say that she was unprepared for the reception she got would be a massive understatement.

"Hey, Maura, got anything for me?"

"Get out of my morgue."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Get out of my morgue."

"But I work here."

"No, you work upstairs, Detective. I will not talk to you, I will not give you results, end of story. You are not welcome here, either in my morgue or in my life. Leave now, or I'll have you removed."

The whole exchange, Maura had been facing away from Jane, and every word out of her mouth had been delivered in the same icy tone that Jane had heard outside the warehouse. Maybe if Maura had turned around to look at Jane, she would have seen that the already-slender woman was thinner than ever. Maura would have seen the obvious physical repercussions that the separation was having on the detective - the lank hair, the bags and puffiness of her eyes, the slumped shoulders - but because she wouldn't turn, she didn't see. So Jane simply said goodbye, turned, and left the morgue.

When she got back to the homicide bullpen, she dropped into her chair heavily, put her arms on her desk, and dropped her head onto her arms. Korsak came over, and squatted beside his friend. "Jane? You okay?"

She mumbled a reply from her face-down position, "She hates me, Vince. She really hates me."

He put his hand on her shoulder in an attempt to comfort the broken woman before him. "You just gotta give her some time, Jane. She's only been back in Boston two weeks, and back here less than a week."

She lifted her head and look directly at him. "Won't make a difference, Vince. She's banned me from the morgue." Jane shook her head sadly before adding, "And you and Frost have got to be good to her. You can't let her be alone again, okay?"

Korsak looked Jane over before replying. "Sure, Jane. I'll make sure we look after her."

"And you gotta make sure that ma is good to her, too." Jane swallowed a sob. "Ma needs to look after her girly daughter," came out softly, almost too softly for Vince to catch.

"Don't worry about it, Janie. I'll take care of it for you."

It would be some time, but Vince Korsak would look back at this exchange, and wonder why he didn't try harder to help the two women repair things between them.

After the exchange with Maura, Jane seemed to shut down almost completely. Her work was still excellent, but her personality had been muzzled. There were no sarcastic comebacks, no wisecracks about Frost puking at crime scenes, and even when Crowe tried to ride her about something, Jane simply nodded at him.

Even so, it was almost unthinkable that it was Crowe who approached Maura about Jane.

"Hey, doc."

"Detective Crowe. What can I do for you?"

"Have you got a couple of minutes, doc? There's something I need to ask you."

"Of course, detective. How can I help?"

"It's about Rizzoli."

"Then I'm sorry, but I can't help you."

"So you can just listen." There was something in Crowe's tone, something foreign to the man that Maura stopped her escape and focussed on him.

"Two minutes, detective."

Crowe looked downward and took a breath, then looked up and into Maura's eyes. "I don't like Rizzoli, but I know that she's a good cop, and she's a better homicide cop than most of us in the unit. Normally, she's brash and rude and, I don't know, alive, but it's like she's fading away." He chuckled mirthlessly to himself and added, "I insulted her two days ago, and she just took it. Rizzoli never just takes it, doc." He looked at Maura shrewdly. "Something isn't right with Jane Rizzoli, doc, and I'm worried about her. And hell, if I can see it, and I'm worried about it, then how bad must it be?" He looked at his watch. "So. That's my two minutes. What happens now is your choice, but you used to be her friend. Would it kill you to pretend to like her, just to help her out?" And with that, Detective Crowe left the morgue.

After the morgue doors had closed behind him, Maura had to sit down. She knew that she had been punishing Jane for what happened in the warehouse, but the original stressor had long been overcome. Maura simply had been unable to get past the haze of anger - there had been information that she'd wanted from Doyle, and with him being in federal prison, it would raise too many questions about why the Chief Medical Examiner for the Commonwealth of Massachusetts wanted to visit a known mob boss. So, she just held onto the anger.

Maura thought about Jane, and remembered that the detective had sent her emails twice a week for the months between the shooting and when Maura had barred her from the morgue. Maybe it was time to read them.

Thirty minutes later, Maura ascended via the elevator to homicide. As she stepped into the bullpen, Korsak and Frost called out greetings to her. "Where's Jane?"

Korsak stood, took her by the elbow, and escorted her to Lieutenant Cavanaugh's office. "I was wondering when you were going to ask that question," he said as he knocked on the office door before opening it and ushering her inside. "Sean," he greeted the man behind the desk as he guided Maura to a chair.

"Dr Isles, Vince," Cavanaugh responded. Looking at the ME, he asked, "You here about Rizzoli?"

Maura nodded. "Yes. She's not at her desk. I'd like to talk with her."

Cavanaugh nodded. "Wondered when you'd be by. Rizzoli's on leave. She came in a week ago and asked how much leave she had, then yesterday she said she'd like to activate her leave." He nodded once and added, "She's got something like three months' racked up, and I got the impression that she was gonna use it all. Kid could do with a break, right, Vince?"

Korsak agreed, and was about to say something, but the ME got in first. "Do you know where she's gone?"

Both men shook their heads, and Korsak answered with, "The only one who might know is Frankie." At Maura's inquiring glance, he said, "Janie hasn't been talking much with anybody but Frankie."

Maura stood at that, and thanked the men for their time. She blew out of the door, leaving the older men sitting there. "Maybe there's hope for Rizzoli yet." Cavanaugh said.

Vince Korsak simply sat for a few more seconds before standing. "I hope you're right, Sean. I hope you're right."

Within half an hour, Maura was standing outside Jane's apartment door, knocking. Two minutes later, she had let herself in, and found herself standing in a spotlessly clean apartment. 'Oh, Jane,' she thought, 'what are you doing to yourself?' as she checked each room. After satisfying herself that Jane was, in fact, not in residence, Maura searched more thoroughly to find clues to Jane's whereabouts.

Still nothing.

So, Maura decided to catch up with Angela and Frankie Rizzoli, and see if they knew anything more.

###

A week later, Maura was settling in for a morning of paperwork when her desk phone rang.

"Dr Isles.

"Is that Maura Isles?" a friendly male voice enquired.

"Yes, this is she. How may I help you?"

"Are you the emergency contact for a Ms Jane Rizzoli?"

"That's Detective Jane Rizzoli, and yes, I am. Who is this?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm Mike DeWinter, Lebanon Police. How soon can you get up here to Lebanon, Ms Isles?"

"It's Dr Isles, Officer. What's happened to Jane?"

A cough and a pause, and Maura felt a chill run down her spine. "It'd be better if you just come here, Dr Isles. We're on Poverty Lane in Lebanon. So, will we see you soon, doctor?"

"Yes, I'll be there as soon as I can." She hung up the phone, and started gathering her things. She heard a throat being cleared, and looked up to see Vince Korsak and Sean Cavanaugh standing in her doorway. She looked between the two men, and asked, "What has happened to Jane?"

Cavanaugh rubbed his nose and answered, "That's what we're going to find out." Vince came and took her arm, and she saw a sheen of tears in his eyes. "Maura, we need to bring Jane's records with us," Cavanaugh added gently as he held up the personnel folder.

She tried to pull her arm out of Korsak's grip. "No no no no no," came out in a steadily ascending stream. Vince simply kept his grip firm. Maura shook her head as she stated, "Jane's fine, you'll see."

"Come on," Sean said heavily. "We got a three-hour drive ahead of us" he added as the three of them left the morgue.

###

A little over three hours later, Maura, Korsak, and Cavanaugh were standing in the basement of the hospital in Lebanon, along with Captain DeWinter and Dr Ted Jones. An aide had opened up a grey steel door, and pulled out the tray. The gathered group could see that, covered by the off-white sheet, was a long, lean person. Dr Jones motioned to the aide to remove the sheet from the head and shoulders of the person on the shelf, and turned to Maura. "Are you ready?"

"Of course. I don't know why we're here, because it's not..." she paused as she took in the long, dark hair, the chiseled features, the amazing bone structure, "Jane?" She stepped closer, and put her hand out to touch the cold cheek. "Oh, Jane! What happened to you?"

"Is that a positive ID, Dr Isles?" DeWinter asked while he looked at Korsak and Cavanaugh, who both nodded. "So that's Jane Rizzoli?"

"Yes. This is Jane Clementine Rizzoli. Now, where's your autopsy bay, Dr Jones? I'd like to begin as soon as possible."

"I'm sorry, Dr Isles. I can't let you do that."

Maura was gearing up to fight the decision when she felt Korsak put a hand on her shoulder. "Maura, you can't. Janie wouldn't want you to remember her like that."

"But I have to! There is no other way that I can show her how I really feel!" The emotions that Maura had kept in control started leaking out, and she dropped to the cold floor of the basement. "I have to show her! I have to!"

Korsak and Cavanaugh helped the grieving woman to her feet, and nodded at the locals. Jones walked over to the small group and took Maura's hand. "I promise you, I will look after your friend, Dr Isles. I promise."

She shook her head as her two protectors stood either side of her while they led her from the basement.

###

Three days later, Maura sat in the back of the BPD morgue van that was bringing Jane Rizzoli back to her home in Boston. After not being allowed to perform the autopsy, it was the last thing that she could do for Jane. She was wracked with guilt - could she have stopped this if she had let go of her anger sooner? How could she have acted so selfishly that Jane could see no way through the emotional morass? Her guilty feelings were made worse by the letter that Jane had written to Maura, and that had been found next to the detective in her motel room. Maura had memorised it.

_"Dear Maura,_

_I'm so, so sorry for what I've done to you. All I have ever wanted to do is love you, and instead I've made you hate me._

_You deserve all that is good and light in this world, and I seem to represent everything dark and wrong._

_I hope that one day, you can forgive me, and maybe remember that, of all your friends, I loved you best._

_Love,_

_Jane"_

It had been dated the day before Jane's death, and the local doctor could find no discernible cause of that death. Maura thought about a comment that Dr Jones had made after he had discussed his results with the three from Boston. "It's funny, in a way." He got three confused looks, and he went on. "If I didn't know any better, I'd almost say that she died of a broken heart." Maura had to suppress a sob when she heard that observation, and the two men with her moved quickly to support her.

She waved them away, and asked Cavanaugh if she could ride beside the coffin. He agreed, and the three of them waited for Frankie to arrive with Jane's dress blues.

Maura had assisted the undertaker in getting Jane dressed, and had helped place her in the coffin. Just before it was closed, Maura had leaned in and placed a gentle kiss on the cold forehead. "For all that I didn't do for you and with you those last months, I apologise. I will be beside you for this last journey, Jane, and wish you godspeed, my friend. My best friend. My only real friend." The coffin was closed, and Maura walked beside it to the van, then waited patiently while Jane was secured correctly, and only then did the ME take her place beside her friend.

The next week was a blur. The police funeral, the burial, the flag, the wake - it remained a jumble in Maura's mind for the rest of her life. It was only a few weeks after these events that Maura thought she had finally descended into madness.

She had just gotten into bed, feeling hollow, when she heard a familiar raspy voice say, "How are you feeling, sweetie?"

Maura sat bolt upright, and looked to her left, not trusting her own eyes.

Sitting on her side of the bed, dressed in a BPD softball shirt and pants, was Jane Rizzoli. "You're dead. I'm hallucinating, I'm going crazy, I'm working too hard..."

"Maur," came the gentle interruption, "you're none of those, just grieving."

As Maura blinked the ever-present tears from her eyes, she saw that there was a shimmer around Jane. "So, what are you, then - a ghost?"

A soft chuckle filled the air, and Maura wished that she could wrap herself in that laugh. "I dunno what I am, but just like all those hokey movies, you're my unfinished business, I guess."

"Why did you kill yourself, Jane?"

The shimmer faded momentarily, then steadied. "I didn't kill myself, Maura. I would never do that."

"Then what happened in Vermont?"

"I'm still asking myself that. As near as I can figure it out, my heart just stopped."

"Because you weren't looking after yourself, Jane!"

"There didn't seem to be much point."

That comment cut through Maura, and she rolled her head on her shoulders to try and ease the tension. "Yes, I guess I didn't help at all, did I?"

"Doesn't matter now, Maur." Jane looked around her, and said, "I gotta go."

"Will you come back?" Maura asked hopefully.

A shake of that beautiful head, and "No. Don't think so. Just be careful, Maura," Jane said as she faded from sight.

"Wait, Jane! Jane! I love you!"

A breeze touched her cheek, and a whispered, "I know," and Maura was left in the dark, in tears.

Three months later, Maura contracted viral pneumonia, and Jane visited her.

Five years later, Maura was in a car wreck, and she saw Jane.

Sixteen years after that, Maura was lying in a pool of blood as a result of being caught in the crossfire of a gang war, and Jane said, "Time to come home."


End file.
